So I've been thinking about things lately. Pardon me while I bitch to no real end.
Number one thing I hate most about most people: narcissism. Pretty much every quality that I hate in most people boils down to narcissism. As though anyone matters. As though whatever you or I do or think or say or think means anything or is remotely important to everyone else. (I'm an idiot, though, right, because I'm writing this on livejournal.)
I'm into misery. I like misery. I like feeling that things are fucked up and nothing matters. I'm used to being unhappy with things. Sure, happiness would be nice, but so would lots of things. It would be nice to be in a relationship, it'd be great to have enough money, it'd be super to not have to have crazy children for parents, it'd be wonderful to not be shy and nervous around people for no reason because I don't care about what they think anyway and don't really care to make friends with most people. I am not into therapy or medication when they're not utterly necessary. Yeah it'd be nice to talk to someone about problems, but I'm not into paying someone to listen to me bitch, as though they haven't heard the same thing over and over again. I'm into being unhappy. I'm into being unhappy like everyone else. I'm into being self-aware enough to know my shit is not any worse than anyone else's.
I still have a little bit of a thing for my coworker. I have no unrealistic ideas about it; I have always used crushes primarily as escapism and as an excuse to beat myself up. I like to have a crush because it gives me something to think about instead of anything that's actually bothering me. I get upset and have never been good at talking (slash allowed to talk) about what bothers me, and it gives me a stomach ache, and then I think about whoever I happen to like at that moment. I use crushes as an excuse to beat myself up for being too unattractive/weird/whatever to attract decent guys. I don't anticipate going on dates or being in a relationship at any point. I like to think about it but I'm not exactly holding my breath. It's good to know I don't need anyone in that capacity. I'm into being lonely. I never try to do anything about it (or rather, I try to do something about it once in a great while and it doesn't turn out very well). It's not that I'm afraid of rejection. I mean, rejection totally sucks but I can deal with it and then later get over it. I just don't see the point. If I thought something besides rejection would come of it, I would try. If I thought I'd get rejected 20 times and then the 21st time it'd work out, I'd probably go for it. In ninth grade a popular guy I liked said he had a crush me and I thought he was making fun of me so I told him to shut up. I think that was some kind of critical window I missed and now I'm way too old to figure out relationships. I feel like a kitten raised in an environment with only vertical lines who can't see horizontal lines, or whatever experiment that was. I've never been in a romantic situation with anyone. I've never dated anyone. I feel like a freak sometimes because of this.
I've been writing on Facebook walls lately more than usual, and calling people, and talking to people online, and I still feel like I never talk to anyone. I think I need to see people more often. And I get a little miffed (lolz, miffed) when I'm always the one to try to contact someone. Like, make an effort once in a while. Maybe most people I'm friends with are not into making a big effort to be friends with me and are happy to let me do it? I almost want to stop trying just to see what would happen (I know some people would call me/message me/whatever) but I would be too lonely, even for my tastes.
I started playing a game with myself lately. I know that this has been going on for years but I haven't realized I should play this game until recently, as in like three weeks ago. Since forever, I rarely touch anyone, and other people rarely touch me. So I decided to start playing a game where I see how many days I go without any physical contact with another person. But I don't count someone handing me change and accidentally touching my palm. Being friends with Kaitlin and Zach usually screws up the averages because they're into hugging. I wish I could do the math to correct for that. But in any case, seven full days was the longest so far. I know I've gone longer than that. I'm gonna keep playing this game until I don't feel like I need to anymore.
I'm really tired all the time. I'm pretty much a decrepit old lady now. I like work, have had to stay late recently though, which honestly doesn't bother me because I'd rather be at work than at home most of the time.
A girl on my floor definitely jumped to the conclusion that I'm gay. She asked me what I was listening to and I said Tegan and Sarah, and she smiled and proceeded to tell me a long boring story about how she cleverly deduced that a character in a movie was a lesbian because she had a Tatu poster. Of course! In real life as well as in movies, enjoying music/movies/books/anything by someone gay makes you gay too, HOW DUMB OF ME TO FORGET. Since it doesn't make a difference one way or another if she thinks I'm gay, I'm gonna ride it out and see where this goes. It could be hilarious. I wonder if she'll say something more concrete about it than for instance when she said "I find Jude Law beautiful but I'm not attracted to him," I said, "I feel the same way," and she said, "Well DUH."
In other news, the guy I like has a girlfriend now. Again, doesn't make much difference one way or another. It's okay, he's actually kind of boring? I don't know, I was instantaneously attracted to him purely because he's exactly my type and honestly has a face that looks very adorable and innocent, and I guess in order to feel less like a stupid girl (you know what I mean? Not necessarily that girls are stupid, but YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT I MEAN) about it I tried to make him seem more interesting than he actually is. I have a lot of daydreams, a lot of really absurd, fantastical daydreams. I'm like fucking Amelie up in here.
I think a couple of what seems to be a ton of reasons why I am eternally single are A. I get stupidly shy/nervous, and B. I get discouraged easily. Also, the only guys who seem interested in me also scare me. I'm not talking about the whole "it's scary to have someone find me attractive" thing, I'm talking about, "that guy is SCARY AND PROBABLY HAS A SUBSTANTIAL VIOLENT STREAK" scary.
I wish I could be more like myself at work. I'm the youngest one on my floor, and even around the ones who are only two years older than me, most of the time I feel like a shy little baby, all demure and placating and "Oh of course" blah blah bullshit. I wish I could just stop being all socially anxious to such a stupid degree and just get rulingness all up in there. I try to remember that I'm a little awesome and have funny/interesting things to say and would fucking blow their minds out their asses if I said half the shit I think. But also I know I have to comport (compose? COMPOST?) myself enough not to get fired.
So I saw/talked to someone from high school yesterday as we were disembarking the train. I was like, "OH GREAT here comes So-and-so who was HUGE FUCKING BITCH to me in middle school," as in tormented me mercilessly and actually slapped me once. Today-me wouldn't tolerate that shit. I would punch a bitch now. But the point is, my brain was like, "Oh get over it, self, it was like ten years ago no joke, just be cool."
And SURPRISE she was a huge fucking bitch. And also made some comment about how the law firm where I work wasn't on the list of the "best 50 law firms for women" for whatever retarded magazine or whatever event she was working for. I didn't even pay attention to what she does, but I recall being struck by it and subsequently thinking "You are fucking stupid, and as a result I feel that women are fucking stupid for patronizing whatever place it is where you work."
So, unable to shut myself up, I said "Oh, well, it's actually the number one immigration law firm in the world,so suck on it, women." (Her face here was priceless, by the by).
It was kind of great. Who cares if I alienate a huge bitch? Who cares if I alienate most people? "Most people", in my experience, are fucking assholes. Self-righteously self-entitled self-aggrandizing and fucking stupid assholes. I don't really want anything to do with "most people." Does this make me a bad person? Most people would probably say yes, but fortunately I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
So I'm a permanent hire, have been for a week? Two weeks? Two weeks. Days kind of blend into each other a lot. I'm a lonely exhaustion zombie most of the time, because I don't sleep enough and everyone at work is extremely normal and I feel like I can't be myself around them. Sometimes they try to make conversation with me but I don't know what to say so I smile and make what I hope are sympathetic noises and not sociopathic grunts.
I still get hit on exclusively by creepy old foreign dudes, because, as I mentioned to Kaitlin and Zach earlier, I'm a white girl with a big ass who works in immigration.
I miss Bard. I miss Bard friends.
I have a cubicle now. It's kind of nice, but a tiny part of me is like OH GOD I'M AN ASSISTANT PARALEGAL AND I WORK IN A CUBICLE. Not forever, hopefully. I'm still working on the novel I wrote for senior project. Sometimes I have to remind myself that yes I do kind of have bigger dreams. I try to work on it, and I think about it a lot, but I'm so tired most of the time that I can only do little bits at a time.
I put up some appropriately weird/depressing/hilarious David Shrigley printouts on the wall in hopes of luring any secret weirdos in the office into my cubicle and into my heart.
I get paid tomorrow, after which I'm probably going to buy some more cardigans. I wear a cardigan every day, even when it's 90 degrees out, because that's just how I roll. I like layers. I like the nerdy glasses/cardigan combo. I like to have lots of symbolic barriers. Maybe I'll get another dress.
I wear dresses now. I don't know why I haven't in the past, I like them. I think there's a certain amount of self esteem that I have now that allows me to do so, whereas I didn't in the past. I think I used to just want to cover every inch of myself up before. I didn't even think that I could be less than grotesque, let alone a tiny bit attractive, before I got to Bard. I'm much better self-esteem wise, in pretty much every arena except for the whole dating thing. Do people actually go on dates? YOU FREAKS.
One reason I am a genius-- Nina: I love mishearing things. Me: You love who?
Did I do that on purpose? I'll never tell.
I called a boy today? A boy I like? It was good, I think. Not, like GOOD good but decent good. It was a step for me, in any case. Now I just have to work on not ascribing meaning to things he said which were probably just polite conversational remarks. I don't have to work on planning out what I think is an inevitable voicemail, I'm already good at that; rather I must work on WHAT THE FUCK TO SAY IN THE EVENT THAT HE PICKS UP. Nice one, self.
With luck I'll have a job interview this week. Oh god, if I don't get this job I have no backup plan. Awesome! Maybe I could work at Border's for a while before it completely destroys my soul. Oh god, I just hope it doesn't come to that.
So I had to get two more new tires for the Detective, because the alignment was off and totally destroyed the two front tires. So that's six new tires since March. AWESOME. It's still making the weird tire/brake noises, which RULES that they didn't FIX what's CAUSING them. I'm gonna take it back in on Monday and be like, DUDES PLEASE FIX MY CAR.
In other car-related news, I fiddled with some fuses and now my reverse lights and hazards work again! Yay. I rule.
Also when I went to pick up the car I got hit on by two mechanics. Two older, foreign mechanics. Why do I never get hit on by dudes my own age who probably don't need green cards?
Old Foreign Mechanic: Are you married? Me: No. OFM: You're very beautiful. Me: Thanks...GOTTA GO.
I graduated? It's weird. I need a job. I think having a job will be awesome for like a week, but then life will suck a lot after the novelty wears off. Although money is nice. At least then I'll feel like I'm doing something and not just dicking around the house all day. I'm tired of hanging out and doing nothing, but there's never anything to do.
In preparation for my hypothetical future job I've been buying nice(ish) clothes. It's kind of fun, but spending tons of money on myself makes me feel weird. I feel like buying things for myself will be more acceptable once(/if) I am gainfully employed.
(3:57:47 PM): Also, would you go to a chooting range with me. TheZygomaticBone (3:57:50 PM): NO (3:57:58 PM): umm why the emphatic no? TheZygomaticBone (3:58:18 PM): i don't like loud noises, or guns, or bullets, or probably most people who would be there TheZygomaticBone (3:58:24 PM): i WILL go to a gay bar with you though (3:58:41 PM): hahaha (3:58:47 PM): yeah but i won't go to a gay bar 3:58:58 PM): Ewww effeminate gays TheZygomaticBone (3:59:06 PM): i find gay bars way less threatening than shooting ranges. i feel that says a lot about me TheZygomaticBone (3:59:13 PM): oh you and your hatred for effeminate gays (3:59:22 PM): I knwo i know i know TheZygomaticBone (3:59:25 PM): it's okay though, i love the effeminate gays enough for both of us
Friday night. Hanging out in my room by myself because I RULE, as evidenced by this quiz:
I saw a bluegrass band called No Brakes play at the White Rabbit tonight. It was awesome, they were so good. But it was a lot of bluegrass in one sitting for someone such as myself, who's not used to lots of bluegrass.
Perhaps I'll go to the campus center and drink some tea and try to work on my senior project novel(la?). Boo.
So I yelled at Terence yesterday at dinner for thinking that that's funny. I'd been having a bad day, and he was being rude and saying mean/gross things about aforementioned ridiculously nice out-of-my-league-dude-I-like, and I've been waiting to yell at someone about this (there's a big to-do about it and how it's "sooooo funny you guys!" WHAT'S FUNNY.). So maybe I shouldn't have yelled. But it's not like I was saying "Terence you're a stupid bad person." I was making perfectly valid points about this, I just happened to be yelling and cursing at the time. Yelling things like "It's not fucking funny, it's sad, it makes Bard students look like complete assholes for goofing on this guy who's trying to do a good job." (Although there are a couple of decent people in that thing, WE'RE NOT ALL DICKS!) Terence stomped off in a huff while I tried to apologize for yelling and he probably will ignore me for a few days before yelling something immature at me, to which my only reply can be "Are you done now?" As though he didn't blow up in an ENTIRELY immature and irrational manner the fucking day before. I don't even feel bad for yelling at him. I have a point. That shit is not funny. I don't get mad very often but when I get mad I get fucking mad. Also, Ed is totally right. There are tons of Bard students who are totally elitest and total slobs and don't know how hard it is to work a service job because they probably don't have to work at all, and I fucking hate those jerks. There are lots of awesome, nice Bard students who are appreciative of how hard people work, and I love them, but it's so frustrating what jerks people can be.
Today I went to work at 9, went to class at 2:30. I started coughing a lot toward the end of that class, and then at 4 I had another class, with Tom Keenan, which I skipped last week due to being in the throes of Bard pox and flailing around helplessly all week. So I went to my 4 class, and could not fucking stop coughing. It was hugely disruptive, and I had to leave the room like three times, and then finally I was like, fuck this, I'm leaving. So I get my stuff to leave and Tom says "You gonna go try to stay alive?" in a non-mean way (I think, I hope) and I just said "Sorry!" and ran out and coughed all the way outside.
Bard pox can kiss my ass.
So we've been giving away these Jack Links things, which are like Slim Jims I guess? I'd never had one before, and we're trying to get rid of them before they expire, and I brought one home out of sheer scientific curiosity. It tastes like what I imagine a Beggin' Strips dog treat tastes like but saltier and probably more MSG. In conclusion: gross, youse guys.
So my car is okay. There's nothing wrong with the engine, what the hell?/yay! But the tires are fucked, apparently. The front ones are so bad that they're illegal? And the back ones are hardly better. And the suspension is screwed up. But it won't be that expensive, I mean as expensive as it could have been. So yay, it's not dying. I miss that car, it's hard being used to having a car and then not having it available (bitch, bitch, bitch, I know). I feel like I did in freshman year when I didn't go off campus practically ever, except it's only been like two days. Bard campus is feeling quite suffocating these days, but I'm also terrified of graduating and not being able to see my friends whenever I want to and having to work a real job that I have to be up before 8 AM for. Oh god I don't want to think about it anymore. OH GOD APPROACH/AVOID!
In other, happier news, husky puppies are the cutest ever.
I've been sick for like a week and a half, but not so bad anymore. Stupid Bard Pox. The whole campus is like a giant incubator for germs.
My car has been acting up less frequently lately which I appreciate, but my grandpa just came to pick it up and take it to his mechanic. I hope it's not a huge repair job. It doesn't stall or rumble anymore, maybe the fuel injector cleaner worked? It still makes a weird grinding noise, or a noise like there's something dragging on the ground, but there totally isn't. I hate cars. I love my car.
This morning in my sleep-deprived state at 8:45, I went to get my car out to drive to Alexander Technique which I kind of like, but would like a lot more if it weren't so damn early and on the other side of campus. Due to inadequate plowing and some guy being an asshole, there was a minivan parked behind me making it hard to get out of the spot, and in trying not to hit the minivan behind me, my front bumper scraped the door of a Prius next to me. I felt like such a dumbass, I never do shit like that. I left a note with my name and number on it. I hope they don't care and don't make me pay, or recognize my poor, decrepit self/car from West Germany when the Communist Block still existed/clothing I've been wearing since tenth grade (every time I put my pea coat on, something in it rips a little more), and take pity on me. At the very least I hope the owner's not a dick about it. I left a note, goddamnit, that makes me a good person. Find me another Bard driver who would have left a note. I REST MY CASE. But then this awesomely nice B&G guy helped me get my car out of the space. He ruled, I hope he wins the lotto today. Or gets some free coffee or both or something.
I still have a crush on a dude who's way the fuck out of my league. I've been feeling pretty good about myself, good meaning "mildly foxy but mostly fat and sassy" but I haven't been feeling good enough to get that. I mean, that is FINE. DAMN FINE. Seriously if he were like "I don't date smokers" I'd be like "DAMN WELL I QUIT JUST NOW WHEN YOU SAID THAT. Now I'm a nonsmoker. Let's get bizzay!" I feel kind of like a cave troll next to him. But with any luck, all the planets will align (plus Pluto, poor little demoted chunk of ice and rock, I still love you) and there'll be an eclipse and a very small meteor will hit him in the head and he'll be won over by my sparkling wit/charming personality/lack of qualms about acting ridiculous and making unattractive faces for laughs/shit tons of mad writing skillz (not evident in my livejournal entries, because duh)/level-headedness in case of freak meteor-related head injuries/strong haunches which allow me to carry grown men on my back for long distances.
Choose a band or artist and answer only in song titles by that band:
Morrissey (yes, life is just that depressing and boring that I'm a. filling this out, and b. using Morrissey song titles.)
Are you female or male: Girl least likely to Describe yourself: It's hard to walk tall when you're small How do some people feel about you: My life is a succession of people saying goodbye How do you feel about yourself: November spawned a monster Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: (not really applicable, but) I just want to see the boy happy Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Nobody loves us Describe where you want to be: America is not the world Describe what you want to be: Sister, I'm a poet Describe how you live: There's a place in hell for me and my friends Describe how you love: We'll let you know Share a few words of wisdom: I don't mind if you forget me
OY, I hate everything right now. I know what'll make me feel better, COMPLAINING TO NO ONE. I sometimes wonder if there will always be times like this one when I feel so lonely and weird and sad for no reason. If I were a normalish, emotionally functional human being, I might cry, but that's not how I roll. If I were a good, motivated student I would do work, but I don't. I got nothing. I'm discontent (and a malcontent) but I don't know what to do about it. I should just go to sleep and know that I'll feel better in the morning but I don't sleep like a human either, THANKS, BRAIN. I need a friend to hang out with in the middle of the night.
I went into the cafe to get a bottle of water and it was totally empty, there were like three people plus the two working. What the fuck. I guess every damn person on this campus is at the party in Manor. Maybe I should have gone, but I am a doddering old person now and don't want to haul my damn ass all the way over there to the other side of campus. Plus, I'm not one nor have I ever been one for partying. Also my mystery leg pain and lower back pain won't go away. My back's hurt for a week, and my leg for a couple of days. NO EXPLANATION except for bullshit "It's Alexander Technique, you're hyper-aware of your body." Hell to the hell to the HELL to the no. As a general rule, I pay as little attention to my corporeal prescence as possible, unless it hurts. I suspect the pain is caused by awkwardly trudging through snow/trying not to fall on my ass on some ice, not some weird bullshit posture thang whose class I only am taking because I need the one credit it's worth. Look closely, you can see me limp, it's awesome, I feel totally confident and capable of walking like a normal human being. I can't even go for a drive, and it's not because my car is being weird (like that would stop me), it's the damn snow blocking it in. I a. don't have a shovel, and b. don't want to hurt my back worse shoveling 800 pounds of ice and snow.
Hey, should I complain some more? It totally isn't helping at all. If my back/leg would stop hurting I would dance around ridiculously to "Miss New Booty" or something and might feel better, although that's always more fun when there are people around to laugh at me.
The dream I had last night made me want to write something post-apocalyptic in a non-science-fiction-y way. But I don't know what it'd be about, really, and I don't have the time to think about it these days. Or at least I already have enough things distracting me from my senior projects, and another fiction-y project, at least at this second, is too much for me. Maybe soon, though, it will be something to do in my spare time (which I'd like to say I don't have any of, but I do because I don't spend the time I should working, OH WELL YOUSE GUYS).
Uh, I'm tired of being single. Fo rilla. I no longer wonder what's wrong with me, because I know there's nothing wrong with me. This whole thing is just getting super old. What the fuck, where's the men folk knocking down my door? No creepy weirdos need apply. Regular weirdos okay.
TheZygomaticBone (10:36:59 AM): adam, i had a dream last night that there was horrific zombie apocalypse and i was in a grocery store trying to get supplies (rice, beans, other non-perishables)/fight off zombies and i found you and you were holding a bag of marshmallows. recognizing your utter inability to fend for yourself in the zombie apocalypse, i told you to go outside and hide under my car and wait for me. ataboy520 (10:37:56 AM): Do you mind terribly if I use that as an away message? TheZygomaticBone (10:38:00 AM): no ataboy520 (10:38:06 AM): Awesome. TheZygomaticBone (10:38:10 AM): it was the one funny part of that dream, and i thought you'd enjoy it ataboy520 (10:38:17 AM): Was the rest horrifying? TheZygomaticBone (10:38:30 AM): it was pretty bad, but it's not as disturbing now that i'm awake TheZygomaticBone (10:38:50 AM): at the time though, there was a lot of "okay, i have to kick this zombie in the face until its head implodes or else i'm going to die"
More on this later, maybe. Dreams are awesome to the people who have them but not really to anyone else. In any case, it was kind of entertaining.
PS I have work 11-2, class 2:30-3:50, and work again 4-5. I'd almost rather be in a zombie apocalypse. I hate school.